Featured

Newborn + Road Trip

What not to do


This is a long and cruel
story on how NOT to take
care of a newborn
along with really bad timing.
Here’s the backstory-
My husband had received a job
offer in Tennessee.
I was happy, we would be
living closer to family
and my parents were
patiently ecstatic.
We were going to be
just a few hours away
and bringing their first grandchild.
Also because
“where the hell is Oregon
and who lives there?
Let’s start with the moment
I realized I was starting
to lose my mind.
It was eight in the morning
and we had made it to Nebraska.
We found the only
civilization off the highway
was a forsaken gas station.
He needed to shut eyes
for at least an hour.
My husband had been
driving for too many
hours on zero sleep.
We pulled into the gas station
and parked alongside
overnight freight.
He made himself as
comfortable as possible
in the front seat and
I tried to keep her asleep,
blocking the window from the
emerging September sun.
We chanced a hotel last night
somewhere in Wyoming,
there was no way we could make it
through that state in the dark.
But we never slept!
Why didn’t she sleep!?
Gambling, could we make it
across the country
alive or at-most intact?
I couldn’t crash,
I kept thinking
we had to keep driving
for as long and as far as possible.
we had to survive,
we needed help!
There was a dog
in the semi next to us
a pastime for my
painfully dry and heavy eyes.

The hour came and went…
And the dashes
on the road continued
as we tortuously moved
at a snails pace towards succor.
We had energy drinks,
music, and conversation.
I googled answers
for distressing conundrums.
And I searched through
history and blogs for a kindred crux
to see if chap survives.
You technically can’t die
from sleep deprivation.
We did everything to keep us from
running off the road.
Delirious on a blend of
sleep deprivation and colic,
we were hauling ass from
Portland Oregon
to Knoxville Tennessee…

Attached to our SUV
was a small U-Haul
heavy with our livelihood.
And tetrised comfortably
at hands-reach were all essentials
needed to nurture
my fragile needy look-alike.
Deranged,
never-failing her next bottle or cry,
circumscribed I was incoherent.
Assimilation of a flight,
with a newborn,
Alone For five hours…
All while my husband
hauled our belongings
across the United States of America
– I could NOT process-!
Everything could have
been shipped.
We could have trashed it all
and taken a flight.
The timing was stupefying,
a road trip seemed like the only way
to keep our new life
a wee bit predictable.
Was I Unreasonable?
I was working with very
little mental capacity,
I felt safe with all our things.
And given our haphazard,
temperamental situation
a flight could have been
just as harsh.

So don’t judge.
I’m just getting started!

We were a couple of weeks
into our new roles as parents and…
“the struggle was real”.
Our hardest decisions were
to either eat, sleep, or shower,
we barely did any
and it was catching up to us.
I started hearing and seeing things.
With eyes glazed over,
scenarios crept in
and chewed on reason.
The newborn was coming
around the corner speaking?
Insane, I’m hallucinating.
Or was she scheming against us?
She knew I would be watching
in the dark only to lock eyes
and scare me half to death.
Those boxes I packed earlier
just shifted slightly!
Where her eyes even open?
She was sleeping
and I was paranoid.
I was afraid she would wake
and need so much
I could barely give.
As a sprouting schizo
and still having the wherewithal,
I scheduled an appointment
with a psychiatrist
as soon as I could.
The horrow to keep a newborn alive
and make arrangements for a move.
She came a bit earlier
than expected,
Negligible if even an inconvenience.
Sarcastic much?
Nay.

Ode to the night hours
The noises coming out of
this little body would make
me tense.
I would be semi- asleep
and the sound of a small animal
would jolt me, it hurt my soul.
Even when she was sound asleep
I was on edge that at the moment
I fell asleep she would wake up.
This went on for months.
A rouge restless sleep
that made you nauseous.
One night my husband
being all chivalrous
promised me a few hours of sleep.
My anxiety wouldn’t let me rest
so I popped in a sleeping pill,
long story short I didn’t get to sleep.
I started to doze off
while holding the baby
and I almost dropped her,
luckily I startled myself
and favorably without waking her!
The struggle to stay awake
was turning my stomach.
I felt the depth and fade
of that capricious pill.
I didn’t remember
the the last time I had slept.
I saw every hour on the clock.
Endless bouncing, swaddling,
Unswadding, Feeding, Changing.
We didn’t have swings and such
because we were moving.
My husband rocked her
in the heavy car seat for hours,
pacing back-and-forth
throughout the apartment
at all hours
and went to work each morning
to wrap up projects
before transitioning jobs.
How long would this last?!
S.O.S

Before embarking on this odyssey
we faced a road block. (HA!)
She wouldn’t take
to me or formula
so we were exclusively pumping.
We made it to Knoxville in 3 days.
Disordered into a hotel at 4am.
The only reason we got a room
was because we couldn’t get our
key till 9 and it wouldn’t
have made a difference.
I was basically in and out of
consciousness that month.
I recall sitting on the bed
getting ready to change her diaper,
I put her in front of me,
and my eyes glazed over.
If we had made it to Knoxville
before she was born
and had everything set…
We could have nested…
We would have had an easier time..
If I knew all of this would
have happened I could have…
Snap out of it!
Am I sleeping?
Not too much time had passed
because nothing
significant happened.
The baby was sleeping
in front of me
and I realize I had
not yet changed her diaper.

He made the started
for our apartments office.
Ultra-precise he receives a call,
the furniture people
were at the gate to set up!
Jonathan I want to thank you
for making us a priority that day.
I was his first caller on Tuesday.
I was vigilant on operating hours.
I was traveling time zones,
making phone calls and provisions.
He did mention having kids
so either I spoke English or he
understood my in and out jargon.
And because we could do
without his deals
we must have seemed eager.
Looking back I wonder What
I must have sounded like
on the phone.

I organized my pumping equipment
and washed my pieces.
Made sure we didn’t leave anything
behind in the room
and the baby and I
made our way to
continental breakfast.
The apartment was ready for us
It was 2 minutes away.
My husband picked us up
and We were now alone
in our new nicely furnished home,
such a beautiful little family.
We snapped.
Manic, I would describe
my husband
and without hesitation
started unloading the uhaul
bringing boxes up
three flights of stairs.
I was hiding in the closet
sobbing, admittedly hitting my head
against the wall,
albeit bouncing idol.
I had just enough foresight
to defend her term,
the incessant crying!
It was ours to have,
but we couldn’t wake up
or escape the demented sequence,
our anguish.
I seemed preoccupied
so he continued.
I didn’t want him to see
I was hopeless.
Propriety was left at the hospital
and destitution wrecked our psyche.
My husband had gone mad
and the last strand
of strength I had
broke.
I lost control.

We stayed the night.
And my husband soaked
in our jacouzi bath.
We arranged everything
to get to Atlanta
as soon as possible.
We left the next morning.
I called my parents
before heading down
I told them how happy
and in need we were.
I don’t remember if I had cried
but I had no dignity
to hold either way.
We reached Atlanta
that afternoon
and sat in traffic for 6 hours.
we were filled with
so much anticipation
that it didn’t bother us
we were just so close.
What difference
would a little detour
make at this point right.
When we got into town
We stopped my father’s job
to surprise him.
My father was so happy to see us
and so very proud
that he presented us
and his granddaughter
to coworkers and supervisors.
I’m glad I made the effort
to change my clothes
and look alive because
I was soiled with milk
and who knows what else.

I will add to this as I get more
time to write.
Thanks for tuning in!

Mania

I lost my mind somewhere
between Georgia and Oregon.
Either in 2014 heading WEST while I was pregnant,
or driving all the way back EAST in 2015 with my sack of potatoes.
I think I lost it somewhere in Idaho
or maybe one of the really long states like Nebraska or Kansas,
but potato comes up too often in our family.

Anxiety is in my DNA,
So very thick
I still feel my mom running and hiding
as she foots it from Colombia to America.
I also feel the Yoruban tribes sardined in a boat for months.

56BC6BD7-9057-4C1C-B55A-741F71F05E4E.jpeg

K and I were staying at my parents
for a few weeks while my husband started
projects at a nuclear facility in Tennessee.
You would think everything was slowly falling into place,
and we were finally settling after such a messy start.

I can handle anxiety,
but sleep deprivation
mixed with anxiety is sick.
I have had my beta~delta waves mix before,
working long hours for weeks on end
with little to no sleep.
Everything gets exaggerated,
you get exasperated,
well you are half asleep…
But I think I crossed further
than ever this Time.

For the first time in a longtime I was alone,
listening to music and enjoying my solitude.
I was driving back to my parents from
an appointment with my old OB/GYN
I had made a six week checkup.
I wanted to make sure I was ok.
She was stunned I was ok.

C47CD771-8601-4F77-B3A1-26557487EDDF.jpeg

My drive was sublime. So peaceful.✨
The flow of traffic was perfect.💞
The dashes hypnotic. 🌬
I am dreaming. I am asleep.
So as to wake…
I should turn the wheel…
Slowly to the left…
cut across three lanes of traffic swiftly…
into the median.

It didn’t seem right though
my hands felt very real
I took a breath and rationalize.
Turned off the radio.
Kept my hands on 10 and 2.
Stayed in my lane because
I have done this many times over.
The sounds around me were very much real.
I was not dreaming, I was on interstate 85
going at about sixty~plus with the rest of traffic.
The sounds grew louder, more concrete.
I was awake, I was in motion and I was petrified.
When I started to feel like myself again
I reached for my phone and called my husband
I told him I needed help,
psychiatric help.

BC0ECBFF-F638-4626-8546-86EB84BC446F.jpeg

The cross of dimensions
of all sorts were too much,
I could not assimilate quick enough,
Like jet-lag but not really.
Something was not right,
and it’s as if someone tore
into my reality to wake me up.

I couldn’t shake this off.
What if it were to happen again
and I can’t control myself?
If it were to happen again
and I’m alone with the baby?
I have had intrusive thoughts
but I was much stronger than my thoughts.
I was just too busy for postpartum~anything
This was horrifying and debilitating.

697363BA-9F36-4D84-88F7-217986DA219F.jpeg

I think I had been stuck in a sense of battle for so long
that anything peaceful was not correct.
A panic attack is like completely loosing sense of self.
It was as if I was no longer in my body.
I was possessed by something else.
This episode triggered mania.
I was manic at my parents,
calling and looking for emergency rooms.
Later I had what felt like a heart attack,
but It all felt like impending doom, like death..

 

My hyper vigilance to take care
of something so fragile for so long
and to know that life is just that fragile…
was traumatizing.
But there is always breakthrough if you work hard enough.
I have always said in difficulty “something has got to give!”
Take any situation and experience and build from it.
If at any moment you can’t decipher reality from
a dream grounding techniques… I tap a lot!
And if something feels like a nightmare pray hard!

98A96DAE-5D72-4412-9345-C2BB41A16DE0.jpeg

Green wih Envy

As a cheers to good fortune
Husband and I went to France…
Just kidding, we went to Cozumel…
Just kidding again we went to La Provence
Although we literally didn’t go to these places,
She took us there with her charms.

INGREDIENTS

2 ounces Cachaças Dona Bronca
¾ ounce Agave Nectar
¾ ounce Yerba Matcha
½ Lime
½ Avocado
lemon wedge (for serving)
Infused pineapple (for serving)

RECIPE PREPARATION

Combine Vodka, Agave Nectar, Yerba Matcha, Lime juice, in a cocktail shaker. Fill shaker, cover, and shake.
Strain cocktail through a Hawthorne strainer or a slotted spoon into glass.
Strain avocado twice and muddle into cocktail.
Garnish with lime wedge and spirit infused pineapple.

9309A630-E305-4207-A645-8DE8667E41C8.jpeg

Starting with the pineapple;
-The bite into a ripe fruit,
stirring the juices
unwinded the night-
Infused with
Cachaças Dona Bronca
for four to six weeks.
-Sweet, tart, and salivating-
contrasting the rest of the drink.

Maybscocktails
Green with Envy
Was smooth and creamy,
sat right for the mood in the room,
cozy and delightful.

A267F9D8-95E3-4670-BA0D-C57EC1A45353.jpeg
Fellow patrons enjoyed their meals,
engaged in each other with laughter~
that rose and blended in with the music.
Catacomb like vaulted ceilings and antiquated paintings take you back in time.
A peachy hue of life permeated the room.

This signature drink pared
with the Eggs Benedict’s
glazed in hollandaise
is perfect for a weekend holiday.
These two are a great starter for the day;
The right balance to keep you going after a night out
and a pleasant aid for a hangover.
A hearty laugh begets a toast.
Inhaled goodwill refreshes lungs as the exhale entices more delight.
Tethered in all the in between beats, life continues.
Choose wise, enjoy your company.

A9F4EFDD-9CFA-4131-BF9E-1FCAA8CF46C5.jpeg

Let’s raise our glasses our meal is satiating!
Salivary glands provoked as we indulge in another bite.
Evoluting; manipulated and molded, this night
still rings in my ears.
Such tasty plates!
A pleasurable evening that seemed more like a dream.

 

Saltines

Drugs were heavy.

From my vista

everything happened

super fast.

I vaguely recall

being presented

a purple greasy life-form.

But I faded in and out

of the operating table.

I held her after our procedure.

I have no recollection.

Was she tabletop surfing 🏄 on me out of the O.R.???

What if I had dropped her?

Do these people know I am not fully functioning!

She could have

just hopped right off

The bed!

I woke up in a dim room.

It was evening,

I was ‘situated’.

Things were

attached to me,

I had apparently

consented to.

I didn’t need

to get up

from the

hospital bed

for any reason.

No need to use the bathroom…

I felt violated.

What else happened

while I was unconscious?

I looked over to my right,

the life-form

was laying in an open

plastic container.

They took this out of me.

What is it doing?

is… it… sleeping?!

And they just left it here…

I have no idea what to do!!

And I’m it’s life support…

It hit me hard.

I was in shock.

I hadn’t thought this far ahead.

This wasn’t supposed to happen yet.

I wasn’t prepared.

We had a birth plan.

We had hired a doula for support.

I was alone and afraid.

A dark cloud covered over me.

At some point

I had made a list of things

we needed for our stay.

( I don’t recall doing this either)

He was back from his search

for the essentials.

Making a bed

from the the sofa couch

over by the window.

He didn’t expect to be sleeping

in a hospital that night.

It’s the middle of his work week.

He was still finishing up

projects at work.

They did attempt

to turn off lights.

It breaks in anyhow

through the cracks

in the blinds.

There is a light

under the television

and a light on the monitor behind me.

It’s not too bright in the room

so I settle.

I start to drift…

I’m awaken,

startled by snoring!

My husband was snoring!

I look over to the baby,

she seems ok.

I can see everything

around me pretty clearly.

there is a table to my left

with an old school phone,

a huge medical water jug,

a cup of ice

and tons of little

prepackaged saltines.

His snoring fades and I drift again…

I’m up!

His snoring is louder!

He will wake the critter!

And I need sleep!

I haven’t slept since 2nd trimester!

I look around me, the saltines!

Just light enough to startle to snore

but not wake him.

I toss one

Nope, damn bull!

I throw this one harder

That worked!

Yes!

And I have a good amount of ammo too.

Not before long

all the saltines made it

to his side of the room.

He got up a few times irritated

But in the end it was humorous.

🐄 Love Affairs 🔥

With a pump

Before embarking on this Odyssey
we faced a road block. (HA!)
She wouldn’t take
to me or formula
so we were exclusively pumping.
Since we had completely derailed
from our original “birth plan”
we wanted something,
somewhat natural.

portrait of cow standing in pasture
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

I pumped my sleep deprived
little heart out.
That contraption made for cattle
could drive anyone insane.
It was so mechanical,
I would hook myself up
to this machine
– just imagine a dairy factory-
and turn on the switch.
You never get used to it.
I would clinch every time.
I had a log.
I would chart in my time
and quantity,
tallying how much I made
in what amount of time.
This log also inherited
notes, drawings, scribbles,
blood, sweat, tears and gold.
I had to maintain stock.

bottle container cream creamy
Photo by Burst on Pexels.com

This was my ritual
several times a day
for over an hour each time.
My dreaded sacrament;
Setup, pump, tally, store.
I would wash every
Medela  piece and bottle
by hand with hot water
and detergent.
Compose yet again
for our next affair.
The skin on my hands
were peeling off.
Every moment of my day
was engaged to this machine.
The thought still tenders a flinch,
and its song is a suction tune
you could live without ever hearing.
I tried not to think ahead,
because it generally send me
in a downward spiral.
I just focused on the task at hand.
I had a cooler with
soiled parts and bottles.
I hooked myself to the car,
I pumped Across America 

A labyrinth relationship,
a sadistic forced union.
Written by a true lunatic,
I meant mother.
Maybe I could have been
a more stable mother
had we figured out how to latch
or how to formula.
Or how to not not move
Soon after having a child
I was only functioning
to survive another hour.
When it was all said and done
I bathed it in gasoline
and thew a match,
I kid.

 

 

Invite me to your party!

Let me shoot your next event. You won’t even notice, I do it all on my phone.  I am discreet and won’t get in the way of all the enjoyment!F710FCE3-EE01-472B-85D7-97BEF2609F93

 

College Graduation Party

 

  ~ Birthday Parties!~  

Take me with you, those who couldn’t make it to your event will thank you!

My Thrift Store!

So I heard you have an Instapot.

I think my device is better than yours.

This queen is my computer for my laboratory~kitchen.

I like to think of myself as a chemist.

The fun and tasty concoctions I have made in this pot make you tingle everywhere.

It feels as if my tastebuds and body are now in one accord.

I can feel the energy of what I eat.

I read somewhere that when you consume something

you are eating the life and death of that food.

So… as Sapio let me pick your brain, YUM!

How much was your device?

Like most people,

I try not to pay full price.

I only paid $3 dollars.

Say what?!

Well my thrift store is also…

better than yours!

This shop of magical treasures is only for the brave.

Let me take you on a journey to a pit named rock bottom.

HELL 101

*Supplies for your journey to hell*

•hardware gloves

•gasmask

•eyeware

•fullbody suit

•different forms of currency

Welcome to a stinky warehouse just a step above dumpster diving.

The foul smell slaps you

back against the door

as you beg for fresh air.

Relax and adjust,

your dignity is in the car with your lattè.

A dumpsite with large blue bins being rolled out, rotated, and rolled back in. Take a peek at the docking area dumping new trash or treasure!

How exciting or interesting!

As soon as the workers

have placed the bins

you want to dive in!

⚠️ Warnings ⚠️

Wait till all bins have been placed.

Careful with hidden sharp objects.

Watch your personal items.

Watch for small children or animals.

Possibly prepare for a fight.

I have had my share of encounters now I deem respect when I walk in.

Furniture, Antiques

Name brands / textiles

Books electronics etc…

People have also found money, jewelry, paraphernalia, syringes, petrified rats…

You will pay by the pound unless it is ticketed

I only purchase that which is of practical use. I do not like clutter or anything that hinders comfortable productivity!

When you walk in my home

you should see a love story.

Each piece has a tied memory and was brought in with good intent. I feel there is peace and harmony,

love and feng shui.

***Fun Facts***

Did you know…

1. Acetone removes polish, but also sticky depilatory wax from hard surfaces.

2. Stop panicking. Lotion removes depilatory wax from skin!

3. You can use old bills as your strip for this hair removal method.

4. Shave your hair, put it in a pot with seeds during a full moon and with good intent/karma, hopefully your returns are great.

Scalp irritation will only last for a couple of days but with healthy bacteria and good hygiene you should have some luscious hair along with great returns for your friends and family.

5. Light a candle in the morning for inspiration and if you have one bulb lit at night at least you were able to at least pay the electric bill!

Oil and Potions, it’s science, chemistry, and witchcraft…

Thank you internet for your endless answers. For my money saving, laborious scavenging, let’s cheers 🥂

Mean Girls

Making mom friends sucks 😩
Got blocked from a local moms fb group today!
Wrote on the fb page:

******************

Throw back!
high school…. circa 2003.
I was invited to a play~date
only to say I was uninvited!
keep your party to yourself
and please 🙏🏼 don’t invite me,                                                                                                          its sad and mean😩
My kid had a good time                                                                                                             thanks anyways!
Next time I should host you 🙂                                                                                                     bless your heart😘

******************

Cliques are thriving in SAHM groups
just like the mean girls in high school.

pexels-photo-669005.jpeg Just don’t invite the rest of us                                                                                                       who just needed to get out of the house
for sanity!
It is not fair 😭
I’m happy for you
and that you found chemistry
with another set of moms
and their children.
But don’t host an                                                                                                                              Open Play~Date on the fb page                                                                                                 Invite all and then change it
into a private party in                                                                                                           LITERALLY 5 minutes.
Woman!!!
I am in your driveway!                                                                                                         Everyone who rsvped                                                                                                                     yes or maybe to the event                                                                                                              am I crazy?

97E6B492-952C-4504-93EB-2AF56F2A3BCA88D9A4EF-5043-42AF-AD6A-AE1844799789
It was a production to get here!
you have a toddler,
you know how it goes!

baby-tears-small-child-sad-47090.jpeg Granted she was pregnant
hormonal fluctuations
are to be taken into account….
But I am PMSing too!

pexels-photo-568021.jpeg My husband always asks
the age ol’ question…
Why do B****es be Trippin?
It’s hormones!

818B5320-991A-4420-A3BB-4E0DC3CF8918D2D694DF-65C9-4856-A819-D56E1BFB021F8376C240-AD9B-44E3-AC48-1B9283AE0F56 I must have misunderstood 🧐👇

CB568A81-994F-4D21-8EC8-418A835F77C3
1EA9EC2B-9FAF-42EF-8D34-58FEB3DC5FD8  Sitting in my car

figuring out what to do made me late

Guess I wont be invited to the next event❣️
Pass the wine 🍷
Inspired by a new friend 🍷
Cheers B****es!🥂