Mania

I lost my mind somewhere
between Georgia and Oregon.
Either in 2014 heading WEST while I was pregnant,
or driving all the way back EAST in 2015 with my sack of potatoes.
I think I lost it somewhere in Idaho
or maybe one of the really long states like Nebraska or Kansas,
but potato comes up too often in our family.

Anxiety is in my DNA,
So very thick
I still feel my mom running and hiding
as she foots it from Colombia to America.
I also feel the Yoruban tribes sardined in a boat for months.

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K and I were staying at my parents
for a few weeks while my husband started
projects at a nuclear facility in Tennessee.
You would think everything was slowly falling into place,
and we were finally settling after such a messy start.

I can handle anxiety,
but sleep deprivation
mixed with anxiety is sick.
I have had my beta~delta waves mix before,
working long hours for weeks on end
with little to no sleep.
Everything gets exaggerated,
you get exasperated,
well you are half asleep…
But I think I crossed further
than ever this Time.

For the first time in a longtime I was alone,
listening to music and enjoying my solitude.
I was driving back to my parents from
an appointment with my old OB/GYN
I had made a six week checkup.
I wanted to make sure I was ok.
She was stunned I was ok.

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My drive was sublime. So peaceful.✨
The flow of traffic was perfect.💞
The dashes hypnotic. 🌬
I am dreaming. I am asleep.
So as to wake…
I should turn the wheel…
Slowly to the left…
cut across three lanes of traffic swiftly…
into the median.

It didn’t seem right though
my hands felt very real
I took a breath and rationalize.
Turned off the radio.
Kept my hands on 10 and 2.
Stayed in my lane because
I have done this many times over.
The sounds around me were very much real.
I was not dreaming, I was on interstate 85
going at about sixty~plus with the rest of traffic.
The sounds grew louder, more concrete.
I was awake, I was in motion and I was petrified.
When I started to feel like myself again
I reached for my phone and called my husband
I told him I needed help,
psychiatric help.

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The cross of dimensions
of all sorts were too much,
I could not assimilate quick enough,
Like jet-lag but not really.
Something was not right,
and it’s as if someone tore
into my reality to wake me up.

I couldn’t shake this off.
What if it were to happen again
and I can’t control myself?
If it were to happen again
and I’m alone with the baby?
I have had intrusive thoughts
but I was much stronger than my thoughts.
I was just too busy for postpartum~anything
This was horrifying and debilitating.

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I think I had been stuck in a sense of battle for so long
that anything peaceful was not correct.
A panic attack is like completely loosing sense of self.
It was as if I was no longer in my body.
I was possessed by something else.
This episode triggered mania.
I was manic at my parents,
calling and looking for emergency rooms.
Later I had what felt like a heart attack,
but It all felt like impending doom, like death..

 

My hyper vigilance to take care
of something so fragile for so long
and to know that life is just that fragile…
was traumatizing.
But there is always breakthrough if you work hard enough.
I have always said in difficulty “something has got to give!”
Take any situation and experience and build from it.
If at any moment you can’t decipher reality from
a dream grounding techniques… I tap a lot!
And if something feels like a nightmare pray hard!

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